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Tommy Coopers One Liners 


Tommy Cooper!! icon of British comedy. here's a few one liners from the great man himself.
01 Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
02 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
03 I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
04 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
05 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
06 A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '
07 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'
08 A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
09 A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'
10 I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
11 Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
12 'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'
13 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'
14 I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.
15 I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'
16 I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!
17 So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
18 Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
19 Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
20 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 
21 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 
22 I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 
23 My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
24 A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 
25 I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
26 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 
27 Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 
28 Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 
29 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' 
30 A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.
31 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 
32 So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..' 
33 Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 
34 Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!' 
35 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.' 
36 A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore! 
37 Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.