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All
of these have been printed in daily
newspapers in the
UK in the last couple of years. |
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Hats off to the England cricketers for
their achievements in the Ashes this
summer, Which rightly earned Andrew
'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a
two-team tournament against a nation
with a much smaller population once in
every ten attempts, then never shutting
up about it makes me proud to be
British. Ben Hunt |
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The government tells us that we are
eating too many pies and dying of heart
disease, then in the next breath they're
telling us we are living too long and
there'll be no more pension money left
for us. I wish they'd make their minds
up. John |
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'Alton Towers - Where the magic never
ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed
at 7.30. Colum Hill |
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I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and
people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very
insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around
2 million letters and parcels each year,
and to suggest that I would trust the
delivery of my wife to them is insulting
in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next
day delivery. L Palmer, London |
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The record companies would have us
believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry.
But the money rock stars make from legal
record sales ends up in exactly the same
place. When they stop breaking the law,
so will I. P Boddington, Ringway |
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Peter Andre might look smug in all his
wedding pictures, but I'd just like to
remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I
have seen his wife's m!nge, He hasn't
seen my wife's, so who's had the last
laugh? P, Leeds |
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It really annoys me to see these suicide
bombers blowing up people as well as
themselves. In my day, suicide was done
in a more dignified way, such as slicing
your wrists in the bath, or hanging
yourself from a door with a belt. Paul
Mulraney, Belfast |
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On holiday a few years back, I took part
in a quiz and managed to reach the final
only to lose out after what I consider
to this day, to be a correct answer. The
question asked 'What 'C' would you
associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to
which I confidently replied '*unt'. Not
only was I told the answer was
incorrect, but I was asked by the
holiday rep to leave the premises
immediately. Has anyone else experienced
such appalling treatment whilst
holidaying with one's family? Noel,
Leeds |
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My friend's mum recently pointed out
that I have the same ironing board cover
as her. Can anyone think of a more
mundane and pointless remark to make
than this? Alun Daniel |
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I'LL never understand my neighbour. He
has recently started wheel-clamping his
own caravan when he finds he has
inadvertently parked it in his own
drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a
masochist or both. Alan Thakray |
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Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's
remake of the classic Life of Brian
wasn't anywhere near as funny as the
original? |
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On the BBC website, I read with interest
that some scientists in Australia have
discovered the smallest fish known to
exist. They've obviously never been to
the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester
Road. Alan J., London |
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Hats off to the American police. They
arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland
ranch to arrest him a mere six months
after he admits climbing into bed with
young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they
should get some faster cars. T Barnham,
London |
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COULD the Home Secretary explain to me
how biometric checks on iris patterns
and fingerprints are going to help keep
tabs on muslim cleric, Abu Hamsa. Les
Barnsley |
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HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the
'N' word on his multi-million selling
albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I
used it at my son's football match I was
asked to leave the park? Once again,
it's one law for the rich and another
for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford |
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The government says that there are
nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even
know that they have it. Is it just me,
or is it a bit harsh that the government
know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail |
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Never mind ventriloquists like Keith
Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about
Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on
telly blathering on about galaxies for
hours and I never saw his lips move
once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail |
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With reference to that series "Manhunt"
where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to
hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the
producers include a couple of Iraqis in
the hunting team? They found the tw*t
quickly enough the last time he played
hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email |
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Hats off to the witty burglars who stole
my entire CD collection with the
exception of "There is Nothing Left to
Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that
when sentencing, the judge takes into
account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond |
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I see on the news that Lord Hutton says
he is "satisfied that David Kelly took
his own life". He may not have liked Dr
Kelly that much, but isn't this taking
gloating just a little too far? Dave
Owen, Edinburgh |
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I was extremely saddened to hear of
Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I
was cheered to imagine his life support
machine making the famous Countdown "da-da,
da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as
he took his final breaths. Tripod |
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I never worry about the destination when
I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian
and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of
the time in customs. Stan |
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What's all this nonsense about that
66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat
that. Thomas |
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