Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

-  Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not

pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed,

but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I

have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that

statement..

- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good

ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if

you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she

stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food

groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant

form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for

my nap.

- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in

it..

- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its

way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else

starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go

anywhere.

- Billy Crystal