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Tommy Cooper!! icon
of British comedy. here's a few one
liners from the great man himself. |
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Enjoy. |
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01 |
Went to the paper shop - it had blown
away. |
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02 |
I
went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day but I couldn't find any. |
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03 |
I
bought some HP sauce the other day. It's
costing me 6p a month for the next 2
years. |
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04 |
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound
marshmallow, and when I woke up the
pillow was gone. |
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05 |
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one
was drinking battery acid, the other was
eating fireworks. They charged one and
let the other one off. |
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06 |
A
woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad
back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.
'The woman said, 'I want a second
opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're
ugly as well. ' |
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07 |
'You know, somebody actually
complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the
windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So
that was nice.' |
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08 |
A
man walked into the doctor's, The doctor
said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' |
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09 |
A
man walked into the doctor's, he said
'I've hurt my arm in several places' The
doctor said 'well don't go there any
more' |
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10 |
I'm
on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days
already. |
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11 |
Went to the corner shop - bought 4
corners |
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12 |
'So
I got home, and the phone was ringing. I
picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking
please?' And a voice said, 'You are.' |
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13 |
'So
I rang up my local swimming baths. I
said ' Is that the local swimming
baths?' He said ' It depends where
you're calling from.' |
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14 |
I
went to the doctors the other day and I
said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite. |
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15 |
I
went to the Doctors the other day, and
he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great
for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.' |
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16 |
I
was in the attic the other day with the
wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's
great with the kids! |
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17 |
So
I rang up a local building firm, I said
'I want a skip outside my house'. He
said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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18 |
Two
blondes walk into a building .......
you'd think at least one of them would
have seen it. |
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19 |
Phone answering machine message - '...If
you want to buy marijuana, press the
hash key...' |
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20 |
A
guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing
only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink
says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're
nuts.' |
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21 |
I
went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day but I couldn't find any. |
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22 |
I
went to the butchers the other day and I
bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach
the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.' |
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23 |
My
friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A
strong currant pulled him in. |
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24 |
A
man came round in hospital after a
serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The
doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've
cut your arms off'. |
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25 |
I
went to a seafood disco last week and
pulled a muscle. |
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26 |
Two
Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it. |
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27 |
Our
ice cream man was found lying on the
floor of his van covered with hundreds
and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself. |
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28 |
Man
goes to the doctor, with a strawberry
growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll
give you some cream to put on it.' |
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29 |
'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green,
Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like
Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.' |
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30 |
A
man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.
'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything
you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the
vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally,
he says, 'I'm going to have to put him
down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'. |
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31 |
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A
fsh. |
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32 |
So
I was getting into my car, and this
bloke says to me 'Can you give me a
lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the
world's your oyster, go for it..' |
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33 |
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world
are Chinese. There are 5 people in my
family, so it must be one of them. It's
either my mum or my Dad, or my older
brother Colin, or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. |
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34 |
Two
fat blokes in a pub, one says to the
other 'Your round.' The other one says
'So are you, you fat bastard!' |
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35 |
'You know, somebody actually
complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the
windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.' |
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36 |
A
man walked into the doctors, he said,
'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there
anymore! |
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37 |
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred
early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a
cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 2826 bodies so
far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night. |
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